// Founder · Investor · Direct Response Marketer · Occasional First Responder
Making things happen. Sometimes to help people. But mostly for the money.
Founder. Investor. Direct response marketer who actually reads the copy. Occasional EMS first responder — doing his part to potentially get into heaven. Proprietor of the internet's most honestly-named LLC.
// 01 — Bio
This bio is written by AI — the hallmark of laziness for this generation — based on its opinion of Rob, his projects, and the deeply personal and sometimes illegal secrets he has moronically confessed to a chat box on the internet.
Rob is a founder, investor, 23-year direct response marketer, and occasional first responder for karma points in case there's a heaven.
He has somehow generated over $30 million in sales across multiple verticals, actually held onto some of it miraculously, and written copy that has been stolen thousands of times and sold billions of dollars.
The Wayback Machine has the receipts. He actually wrote some of the internet's most notorious direct response headlines, and your mom definitely probably bought something off one of those stupid ads.
// 02 — Availability
Rob is available for the right projects, the right people, and the right number with enough zeros. Here is the rate card, which is real, and not a joke, except for the parts that are.
// 03 — Business Ventures
Permission-Adjacent Community Enrichment"We reach out. Frequently. To everyone. For their benefit."
Spam.LLC is not, technically, a spam company. We are an ethically high-volume community outreach organization dedicated to sharing interesting products and services to better the lives of recipients who may or may not have explicitly requested this betterment. The distinction is important. Legally.
// 04 — The Inevitable
"Come on. Statistically, I already bought your email on the dark web.
This just makes it official."
Like marriage after pregnancy — we're already here, might as well make it formal.
Join 4 million subscribers receiving ethically high-volume community enrichment weekly.
by subscribing you confirm you are a human being with an inbox, acknowledge that rob craven and/or spam.llc may contact you with products, services, opportunities, and other items of community enrichment, and agree that this is definitely better than however we would have gotten your email otherwise. unsubscribe anytime. we'll be sad. statistically.
// 05 — Let's Talk
Whether you have a project, a weird idea, a business proposition for Spam.LLC, or just want to connect — the door is open-ish. LinkedIn is probably the fastest way to get a response that isn't a canned reply.
And by "fastest response," I mean you'll hear back in 4 to 6 months, which is just how I like it. Because you'll probably need my help even more half a year from now, so you'll be happy I responded when I did. This is also how my children are told to reach me.